Life Changes, Your Dog, and You

Change is an inevitable part of anyone’s life. A new home, a new baby, a new partner—these are just a few of the events people experience. During times of change and uncertainty, it’s important to keep looking ahead as you move forward. Remember to keep your dog in your plans—transitions affect dogs too. But it has been my experience that dogs tend to handle whatever life throws at them a lot better than humans do.

Dogs are one of the most adaptable creatures God ever created, but humans, however, are another story. We hold on to things like emotions and memories. These “things” make us stuck so that we either live in the past or we’re fearful or anxious about the future, and the present … is ignored.

People often wonder how I get such quick results with the dogs I rehabilitate. The simple answer is what we talked about in Nine Simple Principles for a Balanced Dog: Dogs live in the moment. They lack anxiety or fear of the future. That’s the essence of their surrender state. If we humans can learn to appreciate and focus on what’s happening in the here and now, even when we’re not sure what the future will bring, we’ll experience a richness of living that other members of the animal kingdom enjoy.

You may be wondering why I am talking about humans in a chapter dedicated to helping your dog through life’s transitions and changes. It’s because humans are one of the main reasons why dogs have difficulty adjusting to change. When big changes occur in our lives, we project our emotions, our sorrows, or our excitement onto our dog. The dog, in essence, becomes our mirror. That’s why when I am working with a new client for the first time, I say that the human tells me the “story” with all the emotions, drama, and judgments while the dog tells me the truth about what’s really going on. When I approach a dog with a problem for the very first time, I usually see the following pattern:

Humans =

story + emotions + energy + judgment + past/future

Dog =

truth + mirror of human energy + nonjudgment + present

Divorce, death, birth, and new relationships are just some of life’s transitions. They affect humans, and in turn, the humans affect the dogs. Dogs do not know what your situation is; they just know that your energy has changed.

Although hundreds, if not thousands, of self-help books exist to help people through these transitions, few books have been written to help dog owners transition their dogs through these life-changing events. With a little advance planning and consideration, you can ease your dog, and yourself, through any transition.

Here are some commonsense tips to help you maintain a healthy, balanced state of mind while the world changes around you.

TRANSITION:

Leaving the House

Leaving the house might not seem like a big transition to you. It’s probably something you do every day. But for dogs, who are very social animals, being left alone can be unsettling. It is unusual for dogs to leave the pack in nature. Being left alone in the house can even cause separation anxiety in some dogs (see Ain’t Misbehavin’). What feels like a small transition to humans can feel like a big transition to dogs.

To maintain balance, you’ve got to help your dog understand that this part of your daily routine is a normal thing and is nothing to worry about:

1 Rehearse your hellos and goodbyes. Practice going out and coming into the house many times before you actually leave the dog alone for extended periods of time. When leaving your home for work or school, don’t make a big deal of it. If your dog sees that you’re relaxed and confident, he will more likely feel that way too.

2 Keep your dog’s energy calm. Make sure the dog is calm and relaxed before you leave or enter the home. Take your dog for a long walk or play a vigorous game of fetch in the backyard before you leave in the morning. The exercise will help calm your dog down and help him stay relaxed when you leave.

3 A little company helps. If you must leave your dog for long stretches of time while you work, your dog will benefit from some company during the day. If you’re able to come home for lunch, use that time to exercise together. If your schedule doesn’t allow that, then hire a professional dog walker to let your dog have some exercise and human contact. The activity will keep your dog calm, and the companionship will keep her happy.

4 Boredom is the enemy. While you’re gone, make sure your dog has plenty to keep him entertained. A bored dog can become anxious and destructive, so keep his favorite toys where he can easily find them in your absence. If he’s able to play, he’ll feel less anxious while you’re gone.

TRANSITION:

Your New Relationship

About one year after my divorce, I met a beautiful Dominican woman named Jahira Dar. She was working as a celebrity stylist at Dolce & Gabbana clothing store, where I buy some of my clothes for the TV show. I was taking the elevator up to the men’s department when it stopped on the women’s floor. The elevator doors opened up, and I saw her. So even though the elevator stopped in the women’s department, I stepped out and introduced myself to Jahira. After a brief conversation, I asked her to dinner. A few days later, I began sending her photos of Junior and Coco, our family’s Chihuahua.

After several months of dating, I decided it was time to introduce Jahira to the pack. It takes a very special woman to remain calm and assertive when she meets my pack. I introduced her to Junior first. Jahira recalls the meeting: “I was a little nervous because I thought if Junior doesn’t like me, then my relationship with Cesar would come to a quick end. But Junior came up to me very deliberately, and he was wagging his tail. Then he sniffed me and lay down next to my feet. Once Junior accepted me, the rest of the pack followed his lead. I was relieved.”

After a smooth introduction, Jahira and Junior are members of the same pack.

The start of a new romantic relationship is an exciting time for any person. To make sure that your dog accepts a new partner, you’ve got to have a plan. Here are some simple rules to follow when it’s time to introduce a new friend to your pack:

1 Go slow. Don’t hide your new relationship from your dog, but don’t force your dog into a new relationship either. From the beginning, practice “No Touch, No Talk, No Eye Contact” until the dog gains familiarity with your new relationship and exhibits a calm, submissive state around your new partner.

2 Work together. After compatibility has been established, begin to share duties like feeding and taking the dog for walks. Start by doing these things together and gradually transition some of these responsibilities over to the new member. Be careful not to make your new partner the “outsider” in the household. Establish Rules, Boundaries, and Limitations on how your dog participates in your new relationship. Be consistent in rule setting.

3 Keep it positive. If your dog and your new partner are having a bumpy start to their new relationship, don’t fight over the dog, especially not in front of the dog. Even though your dog doesn’t understand language, he may associate the new member of your household with negative energy and fighting.

TRANSITION:

A New Baby

Because our dogs are very in tune with us, they know that something is unusual when a baby is on the way. Parents-to-be are typically in an anxious state, and their dogs will pick up on that. Many prospective parents worry about how their dog will adjust to the presence of a new baby. And they should. I’ve worked with so many dogs whose families didn’t handle the transition well. My biggest piece of advice is to make a plan and follow these tips for a smooth transition for preparing your dog and everyone else for the new arrival:

1 Focus on leadership. Nine months is more than enough time to work through most issues and establish the Rules, Boundaries, and Limitations of a new baby, so use this time to shore up your position as Pack Leader and make sure your dog is regularly in a calm, submissive state.

2 Be aware of your energy. A pregnancy affects the entire household. You may feel excited, anxious, or worried—or some combination of all three. Remember, your dog will mirror your emotions.

3 Claim your baby’s scent. Before you bring the baby home, introduce an item that contains your baby’s scent—such as a blanket—into the home. During this exercise, it’s crucial that you set clear boundaries. Challenge the dog to sniff from a distance, while you hold the item. By doing this, you are communicating to your dog that the item is yours; then give the dog permission to sniff the item. You are showing the dog that this new item belongs to you and that the dog will need to follow your rules when around it. This begins the process of creating respect for the baby.

4 Establish boundaries around the nursery. I recommend starting by having the nursery off-limits. Condition your dog to understand that there is an invisible barrier that she may not cross without your permission. Because your dog will have become acclimated to the baby’s scent, she will be less likely to violate that rule. Eventually you can allow your dog to explore and sniff certain things in the room with your supervision. Repeat this activity a few times before the baby arrives.

Calm, assertive energy is key when introducing a new baby to the family dog.

5 Control the introduction of the baby. Before your dog meets the baby, take the dog on a long walk to drain all her energy. Upon returning to the house, don’t let the dog in until she is in a calm, submissive state. The person holding the baby must be in a completely calm, assertive state. The dog should be allowed to sniff the baby but must be respectful of distances. During this first meeting, do not bring the baby too close. Eventually, the dog can be allowed to get closer and closer to the baby, provided she remains in a calm, submissive state. If the dog shows any agitation, then end the introduction. Try again later when the dog has calmed down.

6 Don’t forget about the dog. A new baby can overwhelm a household, so it’s important to take time to pay attention to your dog. A dog does not need toys or special attention to feel wanted; you simply need to try to maintain the routine of daily walks and feeding. This will help your dog feel secure and allow her to relax about the new addition to the family and all the attention the new baby is receiving.

TRANSITION:

Back to School

Every September, when my two sons, Andre and Calvin, head back to school, our whole schedule changes. It takes a few weeks to readjust to the demands of getting up earlier in the mornings, to the stress of being on time for school, and to the after-school routine of sports, homework, and play. After the freedom of summer vacation, Andre and Calvin have to return to the everyday rules, boundaries, and limitations that school naturally gives them. But they’re not the only ones.

Although going back to school is usually an exciting, fun time for the humans in the home, it can mean loneliness and boredom for your dog. All summer long, someone is most likely home with your dog. Now that everyone is back to their fall schedules, your dog may feel neglected and can even fall into depression or develop separation anxiety.

Symptoms of depression to watch for include listlessness, lack of energy, loss of appetite, hiding or cowering, and not wanting to play. Unlike depression, separation anxiety (see Ain’t Misbehavin’) manifests itself in erratic behavior, including excessive barking and whining, frantic clawing at doors, windows, or fences to get out, destructive chewing, and going to the bathroom in the house. Dogs with separation anxiety will be ecstatic when family members return home, while a dog with depression may not even get up from his bed.

If your dog has trouble during back-to-school time, here are some tips for making this transition smoother:

1 Make your dog part of the morning routine. A simple routine can help alleviate the stress your dog feels. Create a schedule with your family that involves everyone. Each morning, someone should get up a little bit early, even just 15 minutes, to take the dog out for a walk or a romp in the backyard before the day starts. Not only will this let your dog know you still care, but releasing that extra energy will make her less likely to be destructive while you are gone.

2 Practice “leaving the house.” In the first transition in this chapter, we offered steps for how to make leaving the house stress-free for your dog. Your kids may feel sorry that they’re leaving their dog for the day, but they need to refrain from being emotional when they leave. If the dog senses that they’re upset, then he will be more likely to be upset too. When everyone comes home from school and work, again, don’t make a big deal of it.

3 Have an evening routine. At the end of a long day, it’s easy to forget the dog. There’s dinner to cook, homework to do, and everyone is tired from the day’s activities. But your dog has been waiting for you all day and most likely has unspent energy. After her dinner, be sure to take her out for some exercise and playtime.

TRANSITION:

Separation and Divorce

Breakups inevitably come with the dividing up of material assets like a house, cars, and furniture. Any divorce lawyer or marriage therapist will tell you these things are usually the easiest to deal with in a breakup. However, children and pets are not. Unfortunately, custody fights occur all too often. After my former wife, Ilusion, and I divorced, our two sons chose to live with different parents—Andre chose to live with his mother, while Calvin chose to live with me. These kinds of changes are difficult for any family, and they can be very difficult on your dog, who will sense your tension and unease.

If you and your partner are splitting up, here are some strategies to help keep the transition smooth for your dog:

1 Avoid custody fights. The divorce laws of most states treat dogs as property. This means that they can be divided up like cars or furniture. Don’t leave it to the court to decide who gets the dogs. Try to work it out with your ex-spouse before the dogs become a casualty of the fight. If you have children from the marriage and these children are close to the dog, I often recommend that the dogs stay with the children. Many people have even begun to include dog ownership in their marriage agreements to avoid a fight in the event of a breakup.

2 Think about the children. Research has shown that children in families with dogs experience less stress after a divorce than those in families without a dog. It stands to reason that dogs as living companions are indispensable in times of transitions and change, and children seem to benefit most by their continued presence in the home.

3 Watch for behavior problems. Dogs who experience a divorce often show aggression when they never had before. The tense energy in a household of divorce can affect dogs in the same way that it does family members. It’s important that dogs get lots of exercise during the breakup so they can relieve anxiety and have a break from the stressful environment.

4 Your circumstances will be different. Be honest with yourself about your life choices and how your life will change after divorce. All too often, I see dogs from divorced families brought into the shelters. Spouses who wanted the dog during the divorce discover that they cannot handle the dog postdivorce because they have to work full-time, or they meet another person who doesn’t like the dog.

5 Try to stay calm. The most important thing to remember about your dog during a breakup is that your emotions will be mirrored in your dog’s behavior. Learning how to calm yourself and project a relaxed and assertive energy around your dog will not only be a good thing for your dog’s benefit, but it can also help the rest of the family.

TRANSITION:

Moving and Travel

On average, Americans move every five years. That means that within an average dog’s life, you may move two or three times. Psychologists say that moving is on the list of the ten most traumatic events in your life. If that’s so, you can imagine the effect moving may have on your dog. Here are some commonsense tips to help ease the transition to a new home, particularly if the move requires long-distance travel:

1 Get a checkup. Consult with a local veterinarian to find out if your dog can handle the trip and what medical precautions may be needed to ensure your dog makes it safely. Generally, dogs can last more than 72 hours without food. Junior and I have traveled all over the world, and I don’t feed him on the mornings that we’re traveling.

2 Practice. Practice. Practice. Think of your dogs as astronauts. Before they blast off, astronauts practice spending time in a confined space with limited food options. They get used to controlling their anxiety of being behind walls for such a long period of time in space. Do the same for your dog using a crate or carrier, preferably the same kennel or carrier that the dog will travel in when it’s time for the journey. Gradually increase the time she spends in it.

3 Make the crate a great place to be. Help your dog associate the travel crate with positive things. Don’t feel sorry for her or get upset. She will immediately sense your emotions and this could cause anxiety.

4 Do your homework. If you’re moving to a foreign country, be sure to research the regulations about quarantine. In some countries, certain breeds are outlawed, and you don’t want your dog confiscated at customs. If your dog is put into quarantine, try to visit her every day if you can. Ask the animal control authorities for permission to take her for walks.

5 Get a room! If you are making the journey by car, be sure to research pet-friendly hotels along your route. Do not leave the dog in the car alone overnight. If your dog howls or barks in your hotel room, he is probably nervous and just trying to communicate. Do not reward the behavior by giving him affection or sympathy. Try taking your dog out for a long walk to drain his energy.

6 Exercise before you hit the road. No matter how you are traveling with your dog, make sure to take your dog for an extra long run or walk on the morning of the trip to deplete her energy. The journey will be less stressful to her if she has low energy levels.

TRANSITION:

Death in the Family

The story of a German shepherd named Capitán captivated the nation back in 2011. Capitán ran away from home after his owner, Manuel Guzman, died in 2006. A week later, Guzman’s family, who live in Córdoba, Argentina, found the heartbroken dog grieving at the graveside. The dog spent the next six years in the cemetery and was taken care of by cemetery workers who fed and looked after the dog.

A dog that has lost a companion or member of the pack may show signs of distress, including a lack of appetite, aloof behavior, and even a demand for attention and affection. Confidence and a feeling of belonging to a pack disappear with the loss of a pack member. Some dogs may wander around the house, trying to reconcile the lingering scent of deceased pack members with the fact that they cannot be found anymore.

Here are some tips for helping dogs move through the grieving process:

1 Dogs do mourn. Expect your dog to exhibit some symptoms of grief, like loss of appetite and sluggishness. This is natural.

2 Dogs know the scent of death. If possible, let the dog smell something from the body so that the dog has closure.

3 Keep up your routine. Don’t suddenly become inactive with the dog. This is the time when the dog needs long walks the most. Try changing the walk path to change her state of mind, or take the dog to a new place to walk. Don’t feel sorry for the dog, but try to maintain as consistent a routine as possible. Continue to show strong leadership.

4 Life goes on. Give the dog new challenges, new environments, and new adventures as soon as possible so he recognizes that life is moving on.

For as long as I can remember, dogs have been my best teachers, and my first right-hand dog, Daddy, taught me one of the most important, and one of the most difficult, lessons at the end of his life. I was lucky enough to work with Daddy for 16 years, and he taught me what mastering acceptance looks like. Everywhere we went together, he spread peace. Cats, rabbits, people who disliked pit bulls—Daddy accepted them all.

Near the end of Daddy’s life in February 2010, we had an incredible moment of eye contact between us. He gazed at me with his honey-colored eyes in a way that went straight to my heart and shook me to the core. Looking back now, I think it was Daddy’s way of telling me I had become too comfortable with my life, in my business and in my relationships. His death, a few days later, was part of an emotional wake-up call. It was Daddy’s way of telling me, “Your whole life needs to change.”

Daddy’s passing was difficult for me and my entire family. We mourned his death and tried to celebrate his life achievements. About two months later, my proud blue pit bull Junior took over as my right hand. This transition took place very naturally. One day, Junior and I walked together to the top of my mountain at the DPC and he gave me a look that reminded me of the look Daddy had given me many times before. This was a look of boundless love and support, as if Junior was saying, “It’s going to be OK, Cesar. I’m here for you, but you need to be here for me, too.”

Being a Pack Leader is not only about guiding your pack through transitions, it’s also about getting yourself through them, too. No member of the pack—including its leader—can get stuck in the past or become anxious about the future when faced with change.

Daddy and I shared 16 amazing years together.

Change and transitions are nature’s way of testing pack leaders and further developing their leadership skills. It is during difficult times of change where leadership is most needed. In my travels over the past few years, I’ve met so many people who are struggling in the face of very serious life transitions brought on by all kinds of events—from economic hardship to fallout from natural disasters. But the thing that unites them all is that these trials are the kinds of thing that can bring out the best in us and our dogs. And if we are tuned in to nature and respecting the Core Principles, we can use this knowledge to make us stronger and confidently move forward.

Cesar Millan