Saying Goodbye When the Time Comes

In This Chapter

•  Knowing when to let go
•  Ordering a postmortem to get answers and further fuzzy science
•  Putting your deceased pet’s body to rest
•  Mourning for your lost pet
•  Coming to the aid of your surviving pets

Well, I suppose this topic had to come up eventually: death, the taboo and rarely-talked-about elephant in the room. Naturally, humans are never quite prepared for the death of a greatly cherished pet. The end always seems to come way too soon. And what’s so unfortunate is that many humans don’t know what they have until it’s gone. Thankfully, many more humans cherish every breath their pets take, knowing all too well that each breath could be the last.

It’s difficult to watch a beloved pet suffer. And for the true animal lovers, it never seems to matter how long the pets have been with them. I can still remember and feel the passing of every single fuzzy that has died since they first graced me with their presence. And with each death came the same questions, over and over and over again: Did I do something wrong? What more could I have done? Was this the right time to let go? Why this little girl? Why now?

This chapter deals with death head-on. In this chapter, I talk about knowing when to euthanize your pet. I discuss what you can learn from a postmortem examination. I present some options for humanely and compassionately taking care of your deceased pet’s body. Finally, I cover coping with the grieving process. I try to help you with your grief and your other fuzzies’ grief so you can move on — but never forget.

Letting Go of Your Family Member

Sometimes, the only way people can truly show their love for their pets is to let them go. Pets count on humans day after day to make the right decisions for them, and the day will come when they must count on us to make that final, heartbreaking decision — to be selfless instead of selfish and end their suffering. In their eyes we’ll see. In our hearts we’ll know.

Remember

It’s time to let go when your fuzzy no longer enjoys life. His illnesses or injuries have been treated as well as they can be, yet he continues to suffer. Little hope exists, and your fuzzy’s time from here on out will be filled with pain and misery. Stop. Look. Listen. Your fuzzy will tell you he’s ready to go if you’re willing to listen closely.

You can set up your fuzzy’s final day with your vet. Humane euthanasia is painless to your fuzzy. It involves overdosing the ferret on an anesthetic, either by gas or by injection. Your baby will slowly fall to sleep. For the first time in a long time, he’ll feel no pain; he’ll be free from the suffering. In only a few short moments, he’ll pass over the Rainbow Bridge — a term that comes from a poem by the same name, referring to an animal’s passage from life to death — and be greeted by all the other pets that went before him. He’ll once again be able to romp and play, and he’ll watch you from afar until the day you can join him again.

And as hard as it may be for you, it will be comforting for your fuzzy if you’re there with him. He’ll want to hear your soothing voice and feel your touch while he leaves this world.

Tip

Many people ignore another important aspect to consider upon the death of a pet, be it from euthanasia or from a natural death at home. The other animals that the deceased pet had contact with — particularly any siblings or animals that were part of the fuzzy’s social group — should be able to see and smell the deceased pet. It may seem “gross” to some people, but the remaining animals should be able to understand what happened so they can settle back into a normal life instead of always being concerned about where the deceased pet is. Other animals can have abrupt and dramatic behavioral changes when a beloved companion “disappears.”

The other animals will have a far smoother transition if they have time to smell and see their dead cagemate. This may mean bringing the other social members to the vet’s office, or at least a cagemate or two, or bringing the body home for a while and then returning it to the vet.

Learning from Fuzzy’s Death with a Postmortem

It seems an impossible thought right after your fuzzy dies. No way will you allow a vet to operate on your newly deceased baby and examine him just out of curiosity. Well, you may want to think twice about your apprehensions. Necropsies, or postmortems, are performed shortly after the death of an animal and serve many important functions, which I outline in the following list.

Jargon Alert

A necropsy is simply a postmortem examination of an animal. An autopsy is a postmortem examination of a human, “auto” meaning “self” or “of the same species.” Postmortem is Latin for “after death.”

• A postmortem may shed light on sudden, unexpected ferret deaths. Not all animals give many warning signs before leaving this world. Some die quite unexpectedly and throw their humans into emotional tailspins. You may want some answers to the questions buzzing around in your head.
• You and your other pets could have something to worry about. The fear of something contagious enters everyone’s head at one time or another. If your ferret’s death is a surprise, you may want to know if you can expect more problems down the road or if you can prevent other surprises. And remember, animals can pass some icky cooties to humans, too.
• A postmortem can provide invaluable information to the veterinary community about ferret disease and treatments. Your fuzzy’s death can assist other ferrets and their owners by providing precious data to veterinarians — data that can strengthen or weaken theories relating to ferret diseases and illnesses. The postmortem can also give clues as to what does and doesn’t work in terms of treating fuzzies. The more a vet sees and learns, the greater help the vet will be to ferrets in the future.
• A postmortem may reveal internal genetic abnormalities, which sometimes are the result of poor breeding. An examination can reveal diseases or illnesses that hadn’t previously been identified in your ferret. As horrible as this may sound, if your ferret was a new purchase, you may be able to use the information from a postmortem to get your money back or to get a new fuzzy. At the very least, you may be able to help future fuzzies and owners from the fate you’ve witnessed.
• You can find out if husbandry played a role in the ferret’s death. Diet and environment play big parts in the health of a fuzzy. Experts aren’t the only ones who can learn from their mistakes. I know I’d want to correct any deficiencies on my part and prevent future pet losses.

Remember

For an accurate and complete postmortem, your fuzzy’s body must be fresh. So what should you do if your pet passes at home and you want a vet to perform a postmortem? Place his body in a bag (double bagging is recommended) or container and put him in the fridge until the time comes. Don’t freeze him or leave him at room temperature, because these environments can damage tissues and organs. Freezing, for instance, causes changes in tissues microscopically and makes it more difficult to do pathology or microscopic examinations. You can, however, freeze a body if you need to for just a gross postmortem or if you’re looking for viral problems.

Your vet may or may not charge you for the postmortem. Most vets do charge a fee. It depends on their curiosity and desire to learn more about fuzzies. Some vets do the gross necropsy (dissecting and evaluating) for free and charge only for samples sent to pathologists or laboratories for testing.

If you choose to have a postmortem performed, your vet will, upon request, stitch up any incisions after the exam is completed. Your ferret won’t look exactly like your little baby, but he won’t look like Frankenfert, either. Keep in mind that the body is only the package that your fuzzy arrived in. He’s no longer in there; he’s opted for a superior package deal over the Rainbow Bridge.

Remember

Having a necropsy performed is a difficult decision. I’ve always been told never to make a decision when I’m hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT). You can probably throw grieving into that mix, too, but then it wouldn’t spell a word. Chances are you aren’t reading this material to figure out what to do at this very moment. You should think about postmortems now, before you’re too emotional, and make a decision about what you’ll do when your beloved ferret dies.

Selecting Fuzzy’s Final Burrowing Place

What comes after the death of your ferret? Grieving, sadness, emptiness, anger, fear, loneliness. The list goes on and on. An important part of grieving, though, is putting some closure on the loss. A big part of getting closure is deciding what to do with your deceased pet. You have several options. It’s no longer a choice between burying him in the backyard, tossing him out with the trash, or leaving him at the vet for convenience:

• Some people have their pets cremated.
• Some people have elaborate funerals at pet cemeteries complete with caskets and grave markers.
• Some people have their pets freeze-dried or stuffed (taxidermied).
• Some people opt for a simple or extravagant backyard funeral.

The following sections present some of these popular options.

Choosing cremation

Your vet will, upon request, properly store your deceased pet and arrange for a pet crematory to pick up the body for cremation. You also can take your pet directly to a pet crematorium with prior arrangement. Your cremation options are offered for different prices and vary from vet to vet and from crematorium to crematorium. If you choose this route, though, you usually have two main options:

• A mass cremation without the return of your pet’s ashes. The crematory disposes of all ashes according to the law.
• A special cremation with the return of your pet’s ashes. This includes a guarantee (complete with a certificate) that your deceased pet was cremated separately from other animals, assuring that all ashes are your pet’s and only your pet’s.

If you choose a special cremation, you need to think about your options for the returned ashes:

• You can keep each pet separated in special containers. These containers can sit on special shelves or in other special places of honor.
• You can have one big urn in which you keep all your pets together as a family.
• You can bury the ashes or spread them in your pet’s favorite outdoor place. I emphasize outdoor because your fuzzy’s favorite hidey-hole in the play area probably isn’t a good idea!

Your vet or the pet crematorium should be able to give you prices for these services and show you several urn styles. You can bypass your vet or the crematorium and even purchase urns online. Some urns are simple, and some are elaborate. The style you choose depends on your taste and your budget. You can add an engraved nameplate or simply have the pet’s name etched in wood. Some people even add a little picture of the pets to the containers. This is a time for celebration of your pet’s life.

Warning!

If you choose to receive only the ashes back without a special urn, be prepared for what you may get. Most of my pets’ ashes were returned in small, white, plastic bottles or decorative tins. One time, though, some ashes came back in a clear plastic bag, which was both startling and disturbing to me.

Tip

Not all pet crematoriums are up to snuff. People, in some cases, get back way more than just their pets’ ashes, or it may be apparent that not all the ashes could’ve possibly been returned. Be careful which crematorium you choose. Speak with your vet about the crematorium she uses. Call a referred crematorium and ask questions. If you’re unhappy with the answers you get, you can take your pet to another place. The choice is yours. Some crematoriums even let you stay there while the service is performed.

Proceeding to a pet cemetery

No, a pet cemetery isn’t anything like author Stephen King’s portrayal. Thank heavens! In fact, pet cemeteries look a lot like human cemeteries, except much smaller. Many people love this resting option because they’ll always have a special place to visit their beloved pets. Finding them, however, can be challenging, although some crematoriums have cemeteries on site. Pet cemeteries aren’t all that popular, and many people don’t even know they exist. Ask your vet to point you in the right direction, or contact a friend who has some experience with one. You can also perform an Internet search or check out the phone book under “pet cemetery.”

The burial for your pet can be simple, such as you picking out a tiny site and delivering the body to the cemetery. Or it can be extravagant. You can have your ferret set up in a special coffin, and you can view the body in the funeral home before saying goodbye, just like at a human wake. Some places allow you to deliver the pet, in coffin, to the burial site and bury the pet yourself. Or you can follow a somber ground crew as they lead you to the burial site. You can purchase a headstone so that your fuzzy’s gravesite will always be marked with sentiment.

The pet cemetery burial option can be a costly endeavor. Pet cemeteries vary in policies and practices. I’m sure they also differ in prices and available packages.

Opting for a backyard burial

Backyard burials can be personal, private, and inexpensive, and they can mean everything to a grieving human. Many families with kids know exactly what I’m talking about. How many of you, as tearful children, made your family members gather around the toilet to bid farewell to the bravest, coolest goldfish that ever lived?

Together through eternity
Due to popular demand, some human cemeteries are making ground-breaking changes to allow pets to be buried alongside their humans.	I love this idea! Except that even after all our deaths, my spouse would still be complaining that there are too many cats “hogging the bed.”

Remember

Before you decide to bury your pet in the backyard, be sure to check city ordinances; backyard burials may actually be illegal in your area.

Headstones are optional for your backyard burial. For my old dog Ara, I custom-designed a headstone and had it etched in heavy granite by the stonecutter at the local cemetery. It took forever for the stone to arrive, but it was well worth the wait. Of course, after I spent $350, I started getting dozens of pet catalogs offering low-cost, simple pet headstones. But none could compete with my personal touch. (Read the sidebar “A personal story” for more about my sweet wolfdog, Ara.)

Tip

If your deceased pet was especially close to your child, you may want to encourage your child to celebrate the pet’s life by personally making a head-stone or grave marker. It’s a wonderful way for the child to put a little closure on this huge matter of loss.

Note (actually a Hubby Alert): Just as a matter of clarification, my buried pets will be packed up and moved with me if I ever move from my house. They’ll then be reburied in a beautiful place in my new yard. I’ve warned you, Hubby! You think I’m kidding? Here it is in writing!

Grieving for Your Lost Fuzzy

I’ll tell you right off the bat: There’s nothing worse than grieving a loss that no one seems to understand. People can sometimes make you feel worse about the death of your pet. Someone who has never had a pet may proclaim, “It’s only an animal.” Well, not exactly. Pets are family members that you grow extremely attached to. Your ferret has been a source of comfort and joy, as well as sadness and frustration. Many people view pets just as they view human children, but other people out there just don’t understand.

I’m surrounded by people who just don’t understand how I can cry over the loss of a ferret or any other small critter. A dog or a cat they’d understand — at least a little, so they say. And those who really have no clue rationalize, “It’s not like they were humans.” Those are the people to avoid. Those are the people who make me like animals more than people.

A personal story

One of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made was to put my 161/2-year-old wolfdog, Ara, to sleep, but it was one I had to make. In the morning, he struggled to rise from his bed. He looked at me with sad, helpless eyes as I lifted his back end up for him. I saw that dignity still glowed dimly in his eyes, but the light was fading and I could tell he knew it. We romped slowly in the yard before our vet, Mike, arrived to put him to sleep. I questioned my decision as Ara walked up almost briskly to greet Mike. Maybe it wasn’t time. I’d made this decision several times in the months before then and selfishly changed my mind just as Mike arrived. But Ara was almost 17 years old and was no longer happy. He fought to stay with us much longer than anyone had expected such a large dog to. We moved Ara’s bed outside, and he quickly went to it. As he looked up at me, I could

tell he trusted me to  make the right decision. I held him closely while he left his broken-down body and passed over the Rainbow Bridge. In my backyard, I have a beautiful group of large pine trees set in an imperfect row. Directly below their towering branches are many unmarked graves where dozens of critters rest. Directly north of these graves lies underground the most handsome, majestic, and loyal dog anyone’s ever met. Ara Glen. His headstone reads, “Always Faithful, Always Loved.” Ara is the keeper and protector of my critter grave-yard. He watches over the little guys and guides them over the Rainbow Bridge. I visit his grave often when I need to talk, and I know he understands. This is why I planted him close to my heart.

After the death of your furry friend, surround yourself with people who do understand and don’t think you’re strange. I’ve seen people spend hundreds of dollars to remove tumors from mice, rats, and guinea pigs. It isn’t the size or cost of the animal that matters; it’s how much room he takes up in your heart.

So, you have my first bit of advice: Surround yourself with the right people. In the following sections, I give you more advice for dealing with your grief and for helping others through their grief.

Know you’re not alone

You may feel crazy for feeling the way you do. Well, let me tell you, many of us out there feel crazy and silly right along with you. Don’t let others kick you when you’re down.

Tip

Many support groups are out there that deal directly with the loss of a pet. You can do a search on the Internet. If you can, visit the Web site www.rainbowsbridge.com. It’s a neat site that has many wonderful tips and links to other pet-loss sites. It’s also a virtual memorial site. If you visit this site or other sites like it, you’ll find many hotlines and chat groups and even books dealing with grief issues, all available for you and your family members.

Face the feelings

A variety of different feelings will pop up at any given time after the death of your fuzzy. Feel them. Don’t run from them. Remember that you’re not alone. Your feelings are powerful, but they aren’t unique. Among the emotions that will creep up for you to face are denial, anger, guilt, sadness, and emptiness.

Facing your feelings, however, doesn’t mean beating yourself up about what you couldn’t help. We all think we could’ve been better pet humans after our animals are gone, but hindsight is 20/20. Chances are, you were a wonderful parent. Feelings are temporary. Your memories will last forever, but the pain slowly fades after a while.

Give yourself time

Many people think that they should run right out and get new pets as soon as they lose the ones they loved so dearly. They think that doing so will fix the grief they’re feeling. It won’t. You know better than that. You can never replace a lost family member.

Give yourself time to grieve your loss. Pets aren’t replaceable. You can certainly add to your family when you feel better, but taking on a new responsibility when you’re grieving isn’t fair to you, your family, or the new pet.  Likewise, you shouldn’t try to fix someone else’s grief by giving a pet as a gift. Grief isn’t something that can be fixed. It’s something that you must work through over a period of time.

And when you’re truly ready for a new pet, toss any feelings of guilt or betrayal out the window. Your deceased pet would’ve wanted you to move on and be happy with a new pet.

Help others deal with their loss

You may want to giggle inside when you see a child dragging an adult to the toilet for the ultimate farewell to Moby the goldfish. But you should recognize that the child is hurting. It’s very possible that another person will feel the loss of your pet just as, or even more, deeply than you do. Respect other people’s feelings by acknowledging them and providing as much support as you can. Each person is unique, and everyone has the right to grieve.

Don’t forget that you have to help your other animals with their loss, too. Animals bond deeply with both humans and other animals. When my wolfdog, Ara, died, my hyper Doberman, Cassie, wanted to do nothing but sleep. She was lethargic and depressed. Several months later, I introduced two puppies to her, and she hated me for it. But they all play and get along today. However, she has never bonded to them the way she did with Ara. My point is, show all your grieving family members extra attention and love during the grieving period. (See the following section for much more advice on this topic.)

Technical Stuff

Do pets really grieve? Many people, myself included, tend to project human emotions such as grief onto pets. The fact is, no one knows for sure if animals grieve, and the topic is a subjective one. Some will say the changes in behavior that an animal experiences after a death are due to the changes in environment — the safety and security of their “world” has been altered (a cagemate suddenly disappears or social structure is disrupted). Depending on the species and on the age of the animals and their health, it can affect them more or less dramatically. You need to understand the social behavior of a pet species to understand how the animals can respond to environmental changes.

Helping a Surviving Ferret Cope

Depression in animals isn’t much different than depression in humans, except that animals don’t have complex self-destructive thought patterns. The loss felt by a surviving ferret isn’t to be underestimated, though. Surviving ferrets are affected very deeply. The signs are there. Lethargy and lack of appetite may be glaringly obvious, as well as their reclusiveness or clinginess. And it isn’t unheard of for a lone ferret to die soon after his cagemate passes on. But you can do your part to help your surviving ferret get through these hard times. It isn’t difficult. Ferrets are by nature solitary animals and usually do just fine on their own after a period of adjustment.

Tip

You need to give your sad fuzzy a lot of extra attention during his grieving stage. Spend more time developing and implementing enrichment plans to keep him busy and entertained (see Chapter Enrichment: Yours and Your Ferret’s). The worst thing you can do is isolate him. But be careful not to make too many abrupt changes in his life by suddenly carrying him around more often than usual and stressing him out. Over-babying him will only cause him to have more anxiety. Be aware of your own agitation and depression and keep him out of contact with that. He doesn’t need to take on your stress as well. Realizing that life moves on will also help with your grief. If you get stuck in your grief, you won’t be doing any favors to your ferret.

When dealing with a grieving ferret, many people ask, “Should I get another ferret? When will we know if it’s the right time?” Many factors come into play when deciding whether to get a new ferret to keep your surviving ferret company. How old is your surviving ferret? If he’s old and sickly, adding a new-comer is probably not a great idea. A surviving youngster may be a completely different story, because he may have many healthy years to share with another ferret. Take health and personality factors into consideration. What if your survivor doesn’t get along with a new ferret? Are you ready to set up and maintain another cage and split play times? And the biggest question of all: Are you ready for a new ferret?

Many ferrets will benefit greatly from the company of a new ferret. But first and foremost, you need to make a commitment to your surviving ferret to truly meet his needs for consistent enrichment, which will keep him thriving. Enrichment is vital to a ferret, but even more so to a ferret that lives alone.

by Kim Schilling