Simple Tips for Living Happily with Your Dog
Human beings and dogs have coexisted interdependently for thousands of years. In developing countries and in primitive societies, dogs are not always treated with the degree of love and kindness we give them in the United States. However, dogs in those places don’t seem to have all the issues and neuroses that they have here, either. How can we share our love with our dogs without giving them “issues”? How can we be strong pack leaders without losing the compassion and humanity that made us want to bond with dogs in the first place?
These are questions that have no simple answers. However, I offer you some practical tips from my experience with clients that I hope will help you and your dog live a stress-free life, and thus move you toward the highest levels of connection between two species.
Choosing a Dog
As I’ve mentioned before, choosing the right dog is the cornerstone of a long, fulfilling relationship between the two of you. Before you even commit to having a dog, however, please ask yourself what your motivation is for bringing that dog into your life. You don’t need to share these musings with anybody else, but you need to be absolutely honest with yourself because, I promise you, you won’t be able to fool a dog. Are you miserable and lonely and intending to use the dog as a surrogate for human companionship? Do you want the dog to play the role of the child you never had, or become a substitute for the kids who have just left your “empty nest”? Are you bringing the dog into a household to fill the emptiness in your heart after another dog has passed away? Do you want to have a tough-looking dog by your side for status, or a cute dog you can walk in the park to attract girls? Do you want the dog to be a protector and weapon and little else? If these are your primary reasons for wanting a dog, I ask you to remember that a dog is a living being with powerful feelings and needs and desires that are different from—but not lesser than—your own. A dog is not a doll, a child, a purse, a status symbol, or a weapon. In choosing a dog to share your life, you have an incredible opportunity to form a powerful bond with a member of another species. But that opportunity comes at a price—the price of responsibility.
Know yourself before you know your dog. Before you take the plunge in becoming a dog owner, I recommend that you be able to answer yes to the first part of each of these important questions, and no to the part of the question in parentheses:
1. Am I committed to walking my dog for at least one and a half hours every day? (Or will I simply let the dog out in the backyard and rationalize that he is getting plenty of “outdoor exercise”?)
2. Am I committed to learning how to become a calm-assertive pack leader with my dog? (Or will I let my dog walk all over me because it’s easier?)
3. Am I committed to setting clear rules, boundaries, and limitations in my household? (Or will I let my dog do anything he wants, whenever he wants?)
4. Am I committed to providing regular food and water for my dog? (Or will I feed him only when I remember to?)
5. Am I committed to giving affection only at appropriate times and when my dog is calm-submissive? (Or will I hug and kiss the dog when he’s fearful or aggressive, or whenever the mood strikes me?)
6. Will I commit to taking my dog to the veterinarian on a regular basis, making sure he is spayed and neutered and has all his proper checkups and shots? (Or will I only go to the vet when my dog is sick or injured?)
7. Will I make sure my dog is socialized and/or trained properly so he is never a danger to other animals or people? (Or will I hope for the best and warn people to stay out of my dog’s way?)
8. Am I willing to clean up after my dog whenever I walk him? (Or will I consider my dog’s poop to be someone else’s problem?)
9. Am I willing to educate myself on dog psychology in general and any specific needs my dog’s breed has in particular? (Or will I just lead by instinct?)
10. Am I willing to put some money away in case I have to call in a professional for a behavior problem or rush to the vet for a medical emergency? (Or will the dog only get what I can afford at the moment?)
Did you pass? If you did, congratulations. You’re ready for a dog. If not, you might want to rethink your choice of pet. There are plenty of homeless cats out there who need rescuing, too, and their needs are very different and not as burdensome as a dog’s.
Now, which dog to choose? As I’ve said before, breed is one important factor, and there are many excellent guides you can pick up that will educate you about the hundreds of dog breeds out there. I recommend the American Kennel Club’s Guide to Dog Breeds, with its beautiful color pictures and fascinating genetic histories of the purebred breeds. Bash Dibra’s Your Dream Dog is another book packed with information about choosing a breed that works for you. Mutts: America’s Dogs, by Michael Capuzzo and Brian Kilcommons, takes a unique look at “classifying” mixed breeds. The story of dogs is a fascinating one, and you can never do too much reading about it.
Still, when it comes to matching a human with his or her perfect dog, I believe that compatible energy is much more important than breed. Throughout this book you’ve seen examples of dogs whose energy outmatched that of their owners. Jordan the bulldog is the first to come to mind. Emily the pit bull was another example. If you are a laid-back, mellow kind of person, a high-energy Chinese crested that jumps around in the kennel will only cause heartache, or headaches, for both you and the dog. If you’re a runner who wants to jog with your dog, a lethargic, short-legged bulldog will not be your ideal choice.
First, be honest about your own energy level. Then assess the energy of the particular dog you are thinking about getting. And take your time doing this. If you have the opportunity, return to see the dog on a second day, at a different time of day, to determine if there is any variation in behavior. Many people nowadays don’t select purebreds from breeders but instead go to the local shelter or rescue organization to adopt a dog that’s been lost or abandoned. Since most of the dogs at my Dog Psychology Center have rescues in their backgrounds, I applaud the altruism of those gestures. But too often a person will “fall in love” with a cute dog at the pound, or a dog they “feel so sorry for,” and decide on the spot to adopt it. They will bring it home without thinking, and end up in the kind of hell so many of my clients experience. This is unfair to the dog because very often it gets returned to the shelter. And dogs that have histories of multiple returns run a higher risk of being euthanized. They also often develop new and often more serious issues, courtesy of every human who adopts and then rejects them. So taking your time in choosing a dog is serious business. If you can afford to, bring a professional along with you when you make your final decision. You can also bring this person along to help you introduce the dog to your home.
Bringing a Dog Home
When you bring a dog from a breeder or a shelter into your new home, remember that to that dog, you are simply transporting him from one kennel to another. You may have a six-million-dollar, fifty-acre, fourteen-bathroom kennel with a pool, hot tub, guesthouse and tennis court, but to the dog, it’s just a bigger kennel. Walls are not natural to animals, period—no matter which famous architect designed them. Therefore, you need to create the experience of migration for your dog before you bring him home. The very first thing you do once you reach your home is go for a long, long walk with your dog—at least an hour walk—through his new neighborhood. Take as long a walk as you can possibly afford, then add in an extra twenty minutes on top of that. During this walk, you are both building a bond of trust with your new companion and establishing your position as pack leader. The rules of your entire relationship are being established in those first important moments. Your dog is also getting the feeling of his new neighborhood. You are creating for him what it might feel like to migrate to a new home with his pack leader. And, of course, you are tiring him out so he’ll be more amenable to conditioning once you enter the house.
Entering the house for the first time is as important as that first walk together. You have only one chance to make this first impression. If you do it right, you will save yourself a lot of heartache. If you do it wrong, you’re going to have to rehabilitate your dog from day one.
Make sure you enter the house first. Then “invite” the dog in. Don’t let your husband and kids come running out to shower the dog with affection and welcome him home. As hard as it will be for them, tell them to stand where they are. Bring the dog to them and let him approach them and learn their scents. By now of course, you’ve taught everybody how to project calm-assertive energy, so that’s all the dog will be feeling in the room, right? Most people give in to the temptation to let the dog roam the house and property, delighting at watching him sniff and suss out every new room and object. If you do this—especially if you are trailing around after him—you are allowing him to claim the entire property for his own. For the first two weeks, you must give him “permission” to do everything. The first night, dedicate a room for him and a sleeping place, possibly his crate or kennel. I often recommend that families hold off on affection for a week or two, until the dog has learned the rules of the house and become accustomed to his new “pack.” For most people, this is an impossible request, which I totally understand. Once your dog is quiet, in his kennel, and ready for sleep, then you can share affection and begin your heart-to-heart bonding. But remember, it’s not loving energy but the energy of your leadership that will make your dog feel safe and secure in your home.
The next day, begin what will become your dog’s regular routine. A long walk first thing in the morning, then food, then affection, then rest. Introduce the dog gradually to one room at a time, always making it clear that you are the one giving him permission to enter. Establish early on what is off-limits and what is okay. Don’t waffle or change the rules, no matter how sad his brown eyes look. Remind yourself that your consistency and strength during this early phase are gifts you are giving the dog—every bit as important gifts as the food and shelter you share with him. You are giving him the gift of a solid, reliable pack—one in which he will soon be able to relax and become his calm-submissive self.
The Rules of the House
The rules you make for the dogs in your household are completely up to you. But there are some overall rules that I strongly recommend you follow in order to keep your pack leader status intact.
• Wake up on your terms, not his. Your dog is not your alarm clock. If your dog sleeps in your bed, condition him to get quietly off the bed if he wakes before you do and needs water or to stretch his legs. Then he needs to wait calmly for you to get up and start the structure of his day.
• Start the day with very little touch or talk—saving affection for after the walk. The walk is your bonding time together. If you walk, then try to walk for an hour every morning. If you are a runner, you run, if you are a biker or Rollerblader, you bike or blade. Ideally, you have chosen a dog that is fit enough for whatever your preferred activity may be, and if it’s a very active sport, you can shorten its duration. But walking at a brisk pace is the best overall exercise for both human and dog—both on a physical and on a psychological-primal level. If you absolutely, positively don’t have a full hour to walk, add a backpack to make it a better workout for your dog, or put the dog on a treadmill for a half hour while you’re getting ready for work.
• Feed your dog calmly and quietly, never giving him food when he is jumping up and down. He gets fed only when he’s sitting down, calm-submissive. He never gets fed as a response to a bark. At the Dog Psychology Center, the calmest, mellowest dog always gets to eat first. Can you imagine what an incentive this is for the rest of the pack to act calm and submissive?
• Your dog doesn’t beg for scraps or interrupt your mealtime. When the pack leader is eating, no one interrupts him. You set the distance your dog is allowed to be from the human dining table, and you stick to it. Don’t buy your dog’s pleading looks—his wolf forefathers never competed with their pack leaders for food and neither should he.
• After exercise and food comes affection time. Instruct your dog to be in a calm submissive position, and then love him till its time to go to work. By doing this, you are conditioning your dog to have a beautiful, balanced, satisfying morning, every day of the week!
• Never make a big deal about leaving the house—or coming home, for that matter. If you must leave a dog at home all day, practice going in and out of the house many times before the first few times you actually leave him alone. Make sure he is in a calm, submissive state whenever you leave or enter the house. Once he’s in the position you desire, don’t talk, touch, or make eye contact while you’re leaving. As difficult as it may be for you, act cool toward your dog while projecting your calm-assertive energy. If you’ve properly exercised your dog and not nurtured his fear or anxiety, his natural body clock will tell him this is time for him to rest and be quiet for a while. Do not allow howling or whining when you leave. You may have to wait several minutes before your dog is calm enough for you to leave, but be patient, and make sure this routine sinks in for him. Don’t worry; you’ll be able to love him again when you come home.
• Once you return home, hold back as much affection as you can at first. Do not encourage overexcitement. Change your clothes, grab a snack to tide you over, and take your dog out again. This walk can be a bit shorter—a half hour—since you’re going to be in for the evening together. After the walk, once again reinforce your mealtime rules, and then allow your calm submissive dog to be your best friend after dinner.
• Sleeping arrangements for a dog should be clear and unambiguous. A dog should have a regular place to sleep, and should not be able to choose it on his own. When your dog first comes to live with you, put him in his crate or kennel every night for the first week. This will get him accustomed to the new surroundings while providing limits. After the first week, replace the kennel with a pillow or dog bed. That is now his resting place. If you’re a person who wants your dog to sleep in bed with you, fine. It’s natural for dogs to sleep with other members of the pack, and it’s a powerful way to bond with your animal. But don’t let the dog take over the bed. Keep the rules clear. You invite the dog into the bedroom. Get in the bed for a few minutes, and then signal that your dog can come up. You choose the portion of the bed that the dog sleeps on. Sweet dreams.
• Every human in the household needs to be a pack leader. From your toddler to your elderly grandparents, your dog needs to respect everyone in the household as higher up on the dominance ladder than he is. This means that every human in the house has to live by the same set of rules, boundaries, and limitations. Discuss these together and make sure everybody considers them law. Remember, intermittent reinforcement creates an unpredictable dog that’s much harder to condition in the long run. So your ten-year-old can’t sneak Max treats under the table if the family rule is no begging. You can’t allow your dog to jump on the furniture when you’re at home but not when your husband is in the house. Inconsistent leadership leads to an inconsistently obedient dog.
• Scheduling playtime with your dog every week is a great way to add extra physical exercise to your walk routine. (Although by now you know it is never a substitute for the walk!) It is also a way to let your dog express the special needs and abilities of his breed. You can play fetch, swim in the pool, play with the Frisbee, and run an obstacle course—whatever your pleasure or your dog’s special talent. Just make sure your dog has had at least one of his major walks before you play—don’t do it first thing in the morning!—and set strict limits on the time you spend. Don’t let your dog “talk” you into spending three hours throwing the tennis ball when you have set aside only one.
• Don’t avoid or postpone bathing your dog just because he hates it. Though your dog probably doesn’t care how clean he is, you deserve to have a dog you like to be near. There are many ways you can make bathtime a more pleasant experience for both of you. First, let your dog get to know the tub or sink in a relaxed, pleasant way, before you try to bathe him. Next, remember that in nature dogs don’t wash themselves. They go in the water or roll in the mud in order to cool off when it’s hot; that’s a natural instinct. Use that instinct to your advantage and give your dog a good workout—a brisk walk, a run, a treadmill or Rollerblade session—before the bath. Get him good and hot (this is easier in the summer). Make the water lukewarm and appealing. You can also associate bathtime with treats, but don’t rely on them. A tired, relaxed dog that’s just worked up a sweat is your best bet for a happy bath.
• Don’t allow possessiveness over toys and food! Make sure your dog knows that his toys are your toys first; make sure he is calm-submissive or active-submissive before you feed him and that he doesn’t growl if you come near him when feeding.
• Don’t allow out-of-control barking. If your dog has an excessive barking problem, most of the time it will be due to physical and psychological frustration. This is a dog desperate for more physical activities and a more proactive pack leader. Your dog is trying to tell you something with his bark. Listen to him!
Dogs and Kids
The subject of dogs and children could be a book unto itself. As someone who grew up around animals and is raising his own kids among a pack of dogs, I can attest to the fact that living with dogs can be one of the most rewarding and memorable experiences of a child’s life. Dogs teach children empathy; they teach them responsibility and caretaking; they teach them to be in tune with Mother Nature; they teach them balance; they teach them unconditional love. I wouldn’t dream of raising Andre and Calvin without the joy of having dogs in their lives. However, we must always remember that when we keep a dog, we are inviting a carnivorous predator to live with us in our home. As close as we are to dogs, human and dog are separate species. It is our responsibility as parents and pet owners to protect our most precious family members—our children—and to make sure both our kids and our dogs know how to coexist safely and happily.
More than half of serious dog bites and fatalities in the United States happen to children from five to nine years of age, but babies are especially vulnerable. As I write this, Southern California is still reeling over the tragic death of a Glendale newborn, snatched from her mother’s arms by the grandparent’s Rottweiler. Invariably in such cases, the owners are in denial. “He was always such a gentle dog,” they say. Then usually a neighbor comes forward and indicates that there may have been warning signs that were missed or ignored.
A baby can be confusing for any dog who has never seen one before. Babies smell different from adult humans. They are shaped differently from adult humans. They sound and move differently from adult humans. For dogs with strong prey instincts, just the tiny size and weakness of a baby may trigger an attack. In addition, the family will naturally be fawning over the baby and not paying as much attention to the dog. If your dog has a problem with dominance, or is obsessive over you, you may be heading for trouble.
Families who are expecting a baby and have a dog in the house must first sit down and honestly evaluate the situation. What is their dog’s temperament? What is the dog-owner relationship? If the parents are weak pack leaders and are letting a dominant dog run their household, especially if it is a powerful breed of dog that has shown aggression in the past; if the dog is used to constant attention and is territorial or possessive, I would seriously recommend the family find a new home for the dog long before the baby arrives. As important as dogs are in my life, I know that as a father I would never put my kids’ lives in danger. There are some household situations where dogs and babies should not mix, though this is more often due to the owner’s relationship with the dog than with the dog itself. If socialized properly, not only can most dogs live peacefully with babies, but they can also become their devoted protectors.
But if there is even the slightest doubt in your mind about your ability to handle your dog in all situations, I suggest you take the nine months you have to find your dog a suitable new home. This may be heartbreaking for you, but the good news is, dogs do move on much faster than humans. The dog will feel disoriented at first when he moves to a new pack, but in nature, wolves do change packs when the need arises. If a pack gets too big for the resources in the environment, wolves will split off and find or form new groups. If you find the right home for him, your dog will adjust after a day or two. It’s his instinct to adjust and try to fit in. He’ll recognize you if he sees or smells you again, but he won’t spend his time pining for you. Remember, dogs live in the moment.
PREPARING DOGS FOR THE BLESSED EVENT
Assuming you are not in the situation I describe in the previous paragraphs, there are many things you can do to prepare your dog for the baby’s arrival and, most important, to condition him to respect the baby as another pack leader. You need to start early. Any potential weakness in your pack leader–pack follower bond should be corrected now. If your dog is overly dependent, anxious, or has separation-anxiety issues, he may react strongly to a change in the pack structure. As difficult as it seems, you may need to desensitize your dog by beginning to act a bit cooler toward him, long before the baby comes home. Don’t let him nervously shadow you as you walk around the house. Stop allowing him to sleep with you. Set new rules about the furniture he is allowed to sit on. Let him know that the baby’s room is off-limits. Practice walking him with a stroller or carriage, always making sure he is behind the carriage. Encourage and reward calm submission during these sessions.
Once the baby is born, bring home a blanket or piece of baby clothing with the baby’s scent on it, and introduce it to your dog. This is a way to have your dog “meet” your baby before they ever come face to face. Don’t stick the item into your dog’s nose and have him sniff. Set boundaries at first. Make him sniff from the other side of the room, then instruct him to come slightly closer, but not any closer than you would allow him near the baby. (This isn’t an unnatural thing for you to request of your dog—remember, in nature, the mother dog initially keeps her pups away from the others in the pack.) The dog must always be calm-submissive around the baby’s scent. Correct any anxious or fixated behavior. Reward only calm-submissive behavior.
When the baby comes home, don’t introduce your dog to her outside the house. Make sure the baby is in the house, and then invite the dog in afterward. Make it clear that it’s the baby’s house, not the dog’s. Introduce your dog to the baby in stages. Start by letting him know the baby from across the room. Then little by little you can let him get closer. Your calm-assertive energy is vital. Once Ilusion was comfortable with me bringing my sons around the pack, I would walk through the pack carrying them while projecting my most assertive form of calm-assertive energy. I held my sons with pride. I was communicating to the pack that these babies were a part of me—the pack leader. They were to be respected in the same way the pack leader was respected. My boys then learned their behavior from me. They watched how I interacted with the dogs, and imitated that way of being.
At the same time as you are sensitizing dog to kid, you need to teach your child as she grows how to respect the dog while remaining a pack leader. That’s why supervision is so important. Dogs should never be around kids who are learning how to walk and are too full of physical energy. Kids need to learn not to pull on ears and tails, and must be taught never to play tug-of-war with a dog. If a child is becoming too rough, that’s when you hold her and redirect her, or show her a different way to touch. The more repetitions you do, the more she learns the correct way to approach the dog. Eventually, the dog sees that the child means no harm. I taught Andre and Calvin early on how to recognize cues from a dog’s body language to learn when it was and wasn’t an appropriate time to touch the dog. I had them help me feed the dogs, and taught them never to give the dogs the food dish until they were sitting and calm-submissive. Instruct your children on the correct way to meet any new dog—no talk, touch, or eye contact until the dog is comfortable and calm-submissive around you. As soon as my boys could walk, they were toddling through that pack and owning the place. Do as I did. Condition your children to be pack leaders from birth. A generation of dogs will thank you for it!
Visitors
How to treat visitors coming to your home can be a difficult issue for a dog. Most people want their dogs to be, if not their protectors, then their alarm systems. If a stranger comes to the house late at night, owners naturally want their dogs to alert them to this. At the same time, they want their dogs to behave and be docile when friends or the mailman comes to the door. It’s tough to have it both ways. How is the dog supposed to know the difference if the person is on the other side of the door? It’s up to the dog’s owner to teach him polite doorway manners and enforce those manners when necessary.
When a new visitor comes to the door, make sure your dog stops barking right away and is in a calm-submissive seated position when the new person enters. Do not allow any jumping up on the guest. At the same time, instruct any new person who comes into your home never to greet your dog in the traditional—but wrong!—way. No getting down to the dog’s level and petting and talking to it! Your guest must learn the rules I use for visitors to the Dog Psychology Center: no touch, no talk, and no eye contact at first. Your dog must be allowed to politely get used to your guest’s scent before your guest gives any affection. Your dog has the ability to remember thousands upon thousands of different scents, so after one or two visits, your guest will be familiar to your dog. But with every new person your dog meets, repeat this mannerly ritual.
The dreaded mailman can also become an issue for a dog. Since dogs live in a cause-and-effect world, if your dog becomes accustomed to barking when the mailman comes, this is how it works in his canine mind: “The mailman comes. I bark and growl. The mailman goes away. I scared him away.” In some dominant-aggressive dogs, this can revive their predator instinct, and potentially incite aggression toward the mailman. For you the owner, this can translate into having to go pick up your mail from the post office, or, in a worst-case scenario, into a lawsuit. The U.S. Postal Service takes the safety of its carriers extremely seriously these days. In the case of one dog featured on Dog Whisperer, not only the owner of the offending dog but the entire neighborhood lost its mail privileges! (As you can imagine, this didn’t make the owner very popular with her neighbors!) We dealt with this issue by conditioning the dog not to bark at all when a stranger approached the door. Once we had made progress in this area, I dressed up in a postal uniform and came to the door again and again and again, until the dog had lost its desire to bark at me. This was a trade-off for the owner—she chose to give up her “intruder warning system” in order to get her mail privileges back. Remember, you can always get a burglar alarm to replace your dog as an alert system. But you can never replace your mail carrier!
Going to the Groomer and the Vet
Anytime we bring a dog into a new and unfamiliar situation, it’s important that we prepare him for the environment he’s going to be entering. Most people will bring along cookies to try to calm their dog, but if the dog is already in a panicked mode, that’s probably not going to work. Remember, dogs have no concept of what a groomer is. They don’t understand why they have to have veterinary checkups. Very few dogs do not protest when they’re being groomed or taken to the vet for the first time. Very few do not become tense or nervous. These are very unnatural situations for them. This makes it necessary for the groomer and the vet to act as behaviorists as well as do the jobs they are there to perform—and some are not capable of doing this. It is not their job. It’s up to you to help make it a more comfortable experience for your dog.
Before going to the vet’s office, it’s important that you hold your dog and touch him in the same ways the doctor will hold him. This is something you should do gradually but on a regular basis long before the visit. The brain needs to get conditioned to be touched in some areas that the dog wouldn’t normally be touched. Most of us touch our dogs while giving affection, touching their heads, stroking them, scratching their bellies and backs. A doctor will open your dog’s mouth, check his ears and eyes, check his behind. You can increase your dog’s likelihood of success by “playing doctor” at home. Get everyone involved, even the kids. Have someone wear the same kind of coat your vet wears. Let your dog get comfortable around some of the tools your vet uses—even if you’re only using toy versions. Get him accustomed to and comfortable with the alcohol smells. You can give your dog massages or treats during these sessions to create a positive association.
It’s the same thing when it comes to the groomer. The only dogs that are naturally comfortable around groomers are those that are from a lineage of show dogs. Somehow, they seem to inherit their parents’ calmness with regard to the process of grooming. For other dogs, it can be a nightmare. Remember Josh, the “Grooming Gremlin”? I can’t tell you the number of clients I have who dread going to their dogs’ groomers more than they dread going to their own dentists!
Because I’m a very competitive human being, I’ve always loved a challenge. For me, it’s a thrill to work with an unstable dog and try to help him become balanced. So when I worked as a groomer in San Diego and was handed a dog like Josh, it was a pleasure for me. It’s no different from a cowboy whose job it is to ride a bull or a wild horse. We get a thrill from it. We don’t want to harm the animals; we just want to tame them. What I saw was an opportunity to tame the animal in these dogs, while also making them look good on the outside. If the dog was easy, then great, I’d do it faster. But a difficult dog wasn’t anything negative for me. Of course, the dogs picked up on my positive energy, so I was able to make it a very pleasant experience for them. However, I understand why most groomers dread these dogs. They hate being handed a dog that might bite them, and they unconsciously blame the dog. The dogs pick up on this negative energy, and it exacerbates their anxiety. The truth of the matter is, dogs act this way because their owners never properly prime them for the situation.
Just like preparing for the vet, you can set up scenarios to condition your dog gradually to be more comfortable at the groomer’s. Buy some clippers or scissors and try them on your dog to gauge his reaction well ahead of time. If the dog is nervous, wait until he’s hungry. Feed him, and then while he’s eating, try snipping the scissors or clippers near him. Do this a few times. He’ll begin to associate these tools with eating time, which will make for a more pleasant experience at the groomer’s.
Most important—and I can’t stress this enough—before you take your dog to the vet’s office or the groomer’s, or before the mobile grooming service arrives at your home, take your dog for a long, vigorous walk! Ideally, you should walk your dog as usual before you leave the house, and then once you arrive at the vet’s or groomer’s, take him for another, shorter walk around the block. If your dog arrives at a new location having exercised, he’ll have less pent-up energy and will be more receptive to a new, possibly fear-inducing situation. If your dog associates going to any off-site location with more walking and bonding time with you, he’ll begin to look forward to it. Adding treats that your dog enjoys will help, too, but spending quality time walking with his pack leader will taste better to him than any doggie biscuit on the market!
Going to the Dog Park
Dog parks—especially off-leash parks—are hotbed issues in many American communities. For your dog, a dog park can be a welcome break from his routine. The dog park can be used to help your dog increase or maintain his social skills, and perhaps give him some fun running and playing with members of his own kind. But that’s all you should expect from a dog park. It is nota place for your dog to work off his excess energy. It is never, ever to be used as a substitution for a walk. Because whenever you put a number of unfamiliar dogs together, you run the risk of conflict. The “power of the pack” is strong in a dog—but remember, at the Dog Psychology Center, it sometimes takes me weeks to successfully introduce a new dog to the pack, and my pack is made up of already balanced and stable dogs! Do you honestly know that all the dogs at your neighborhood dog park are balanced and stable? Are you absolutely certain that your dog is? A dog park is an environment that is behind walls. And every time you incarcerate many animals in one place, you’re going to see scuffles.
Does this routine sound familiar to you? You’re tired. It’s been a long day. You don’t feel like walking your dog. So you throw your dog in the car. Your dog is overexcited. You say, “It’s okay, Rex, we’re going to the dog park!” Your dog picks up on your energy and your signals. He recognizes scents and landmarks and figures out where you’re going. He starts to get excited and jump up and down in the car. You think, “Oh, he’s so happy, he’s going to the dog park!” No, that’s not happiness. That’s excitement. And you should know by this point in the book that excitement for a dog does not equal happiness. It usually equals unexpressed, frustrated energy. So what are you doing? You’re bringing a frustrated, overexcited dog to a dog park. Depending on the dog, that can be a recipe for disaster.
When a dog with excited, frustrated, anxious, or dominant energy gets to a dog park, the dogs there are going to sense his energy immediately. This energy will be interpreted as unstable, and remember, dogs don’t naturally nurture instability. So the other dogs will either approach him, challenge him, or run away from him, because he’s too packed with a very explosive, negative energy. Seeing those other dogs move away from him can send the unstable dog into predator or charge mode, because that’s the easiest way for him to release frustration. A dog in this mode can get in trouble, attacking another dog, and then all the other dog owners will start judging him. Some owners will start figuring out when this dog usually comes to the park and will try to bring their dogs thirty minutes before or after that. When the dog does encounter these owners, they will send him negative energy, which he’ll pick up on. The dog park is no longer a positive experience for him.
Of course you already know my recommendation for what you should do before taking your dog to the dog park, don’t you? Walk him! Take at least a thirty-minute walk at home, then, when you’ve parked your car near the dog park, walk him around the neighborhood there. If he’s a high-energy dog, use a backpack. Remember, he’s supposed to be using the dog park to work on his social skills, not as a substitute for regular exercise. Drain as much of his excited energy as you can, then take him to the dog park when his energy level is close to zero. That way, when he gets to the dog park, he’ll be relaxed but will still move forward and engage with the other dogs. This will encourage more healthy social interaction.
Compare it to going to meet your friend at a Starbucks. You’re not going to sit and chat at Starbucks when you’re all hyped up, ready to go dancing or jogging around the block, are you? No. You’re going to go after the gym, after work, after going out at night, when you’re calm and ready to relax. That’s when you engage your friend on a healthy social level. Dogs are much the same. The calmer the dogs at the dog park are, the less likely they will be to chase one another. The less they chase one another, the less likely they will be to nip one another. The less they nip one another, the less likely they will be to get into a fight.
DON’T PUNCH OUT AT THE PARK!
Often, an owner’s behavior at the park is as much at fault as is her lack of preparation before she arrives. She gets to the park, lets her dog go, and then spends the rest of the time totally disengaged, standing in one place, gabbing with the other owners. The owner sees this time as a chance to relax from the pressures of having a dog—to “punch out” from the job for a while. But remember, being a pack leader is a 24-7 responsibility. This is not a satisfying pack experience for the dog because the dog is completely on his own, with no guidance from his pack leader. This isn’t to say you should be in the middle of the pack, engaging your dog at all times. It does mean, though, that you should be on the alert, not standing in one place, but moving around the park and constantly connecting with your dog through calm-assertive voice, eye contact, and energy. You must know your dog’s body language and how to snap him out of it if an interaction seems to be turning into a confrontation. If a dog does misbehave or is challenged or bullied by another dog, don’t react with soft energy. Don’t nurture dominant, fearful, or aggressive behavior by comforting the dog or petting him. Don’t let your dog hide or cower between your legs. Always clean up after your dog, and never, ever leave your dog unsupervised in a dog park! If you have successfully established yourself as your dog’s pack leader, your dog will be looking to you for his cues as to how to behave. Don’t let him down!
Remember, your dog has four choices when interacting with other dogs—fight, flight, avoid, or submit. If your dog ignores or avoids other dogs at the park, that doesn’t mean he’s a social misfit! When you’re walking in downtown Los Angeles at noon on a workday, you don’t say “Hi” to everybody you meet, do you? Of course not. You ignore most of the people you pass. You don’t introduce yourself to every stranger you meet in a crowded elevator! For a dog, ignoring is also part of normal social behavior. A healthy, balanced dog knows how to avoid others as a way of preventing conflict and keeping his disposition stable.
There aren’t any agreed-upon statistics on dog park fights, injuries, and deaths in the United States, but there have been enough such incidents to provoke many communities to try to ban off-leash parks altogether. Dogs that do best there are usually those socialized to them at a very young age. Clearly, there are some dogs that should simply not be taken to a dog park, period. Dominant-aggressive dogs should never be taken there. A fearful or nervous dog shouldn’t be taken there. (However, this is not a solution to helping him overcome that fear.) Fear is a signal for any dominant-type dogs in the park to attack your dog. Under no circumstances should you ever take a sick dog to the park—not only could he infect other dogs, but dominant dogs will pick up on his illness as weakness. Never take more than three dogs at a time to a dog park, and take more than one only if you are certain of each dog’s temperament. Female dogs in heat can cause dog park fights. So can bringing food to the park; the presence of food can trigger fights.
At any public dog park, there is no way you can predict the temperament of every dog that shows up. To socialize your dog around other canines, there are many safer alternatives. You can find dog-walking friends, and walk your dogs together—the best way for dogs to get to know one another as a pack. Then begin by letting these dogs get to know one another in more relaxed play situations, carefully making note of each dog’s behavior and response. Stay involved, and correct your dog as necessary, encouraging your human companions to do the same. The dogs in the group will quickly learn the rules. Remember, a wolf pack usually consists of only five to eight dogs at a time. You don’t need to be around ten to twenty dogs for your dog to benefit from and enjoy the company of his own kind.
Travel
Any dog owner knows the perils of taking your dog on a trip. When we put our dogs in a car or in carrying cases for airplane, train, or boat travel, some can become dizzy, some will vomit, and some will drool or pant the whole time. Some dogs become overexcited and won’t calm down. Other dogs develop a trapped feeling, which produces a defensive type of fear aggression. They’ll snarl and bite and won’t stop whining or barking. The reason these dogs are miserable when it comes time for them to travel is because they weren’t in calm-submissive states of mind before they were put into the car or carrier. We need to condition them to associate travel time with relaxation.
Once again, every time we are going to expose our dogs to something that is unnatural for them—which includes travel in a car or plane—the best thing we can do for them is to prepare them beforehand. Naturally, exercise is the first part of this equation. Before we put them in the car on the kennel or carrier, we have to walk them. Yes, I’m telling you again to take your dog on yet another long, vigorous walk. If it’s a very long drive or airplane flight, add a backpack or an extra half hour on the treadmill. Your goal is for your dog to be absolutely tired out by the time you put him in any enclosed space. He’ll be in his natural resting mode, so it will make sense for him to stay quiet for a long period of time.
Of course, some dogs naturally love to ride in the car, because their owners let them stick their heads out the window. When your dog has his nose out the car window, it’s a more exciting experience for him than it would be for a human going to a 3D, sense-surround, smell-o-rama, virtual-reality movie. That’s because of the scents—thousands and thousands of different scents, familiar and unfamiliar, hitting your dog’s nose every second. If there are five cars in front of you, your dog is picking up every single scent present in each of those cars. If you’re passing by a farm, your dog is picking up the scent of every animal on that farm. Dogs get incredible joy from this experience—entertainment, satisfaction, and psychological stimulation. But I don’t suggest you allow this, because it’s physically very dangerous for your dog. A pebble or a piece of debris could get in his eyes, and too much air could harm his ears. Also, so much stimulation could get him overexcited. Instead, once you’ve made sure your dog is in resting mode in the car, crack the window open just a little bit, but not enough for him to get his head through. Though the air he smells this way will not be as intense in concentration, he’ll still be able to pick up many fascinating scents, without any risk to his health.
Moving
I have a lot of clients who will come to me for the first time after a big move. They’ll say, “My dog was perfect before we got the new house.” Now he’s showing this or that unwanted behavior. He’s become this, he’s become that. These clients don’t realize how they have contributed to their dog’s newfound symptoms. I’d like you to know how those symptoms can be avoided altogether.
In nature, dogs move all the time. There’s nothing they love better than exploring a new environment. But the way we humans move is not natural to them. When we’re getting ready to move house or apartment, our dogs have no idea that we’re going to be migrating to a new territory, but they always sense that something dramatic is about to happen. First, they see everything familiar about their world being taken away. Then they sense all the conflicting energies the humans are bringing to the move—the excitement, the tension, the stress, or the sadness. When people are distressed about leaving their home, this becomes weak, negative energy to a dog. While we’re wandering our empty houses, crying about how much we’ll miss the old neighborhood and reminiscing about how our children were born there, our dogs only understand that something really bad is happening. Then we throw them in the car or stick them in the kennel and put them on a plane. They don’t know they’re going to Ohio, they don’t know they’re going to New York, they don’t know they’re going to Michigan. When we get to the new, empty house, we let them out and then expect them to adjust even faster than we do! They’re already anxious from the move, picking up on our emotions and associating all of it with something very traumatic. That’s why, when they arrive at the new house, behaviors that you never saw before will show up. Dogs are not pieces of furniture! We can’t simply box them up and move them from place to place without expecting them to be affected by it.
If you live in a neighborhood near the place you will be moving, I suggest you take your dog on a walk there two or three times before the move—from your old place and back, if possible. Dogs are very sensitive to new environments, and when the real moving day comes, they’ll know that they’ve been there before. If you live far away, follow the procedures I’ve outlined for traveling with your dog. Then, when you arrive, guess what you’re going to do? Even though you are going through your own grieving process or your own emotional transformation, the moment your dog arrives at your new home, you have to take him for a walk. This walk isn’t just to tire him out; it’s also to help him adjust to the unfamiliar environment. This is a walk that must last more than one hour. Though it’s impossible for most people, I’d recommend you make it three hours or more. It’ll do you good after all your traveling, and will help you relieve some of your own moving-day stress as well. Perhaps you can switch off dog-walking and unpacking responsibilities with the other members of your household on that first day. Whatever you do, however, consider this walk a milestone event in your dog’s life. This is the walk that will bring him back to understanding that you have migrated to a new territory and will make that migration a more natural event.
If you’ve walked your dog for more than an hour, he should be tired and ready to relax when you bring him into your new house. Feed him and then introduce him to the home, one room at a time. Don’t let him wander around on his own. Many of my clients made the mistake of doing this simply because they were too busy unpacking to bother with their dog. They saw that their dog wanted to explore and they let him roam all over the new house—even before they had had a chance to explore it themselves. These owners were punching out on discipline.
Remember, it’s not his house, it’s yours. If he’s able to own it before you, then he becomes the dominant one in that space. I suggest you introduce your dog to one room—say, the kitchen—and keep the rest of the house off limits while you’re unpacking. If he’s had his introductory walk, he’ll be in resting mode and happy to wait for you. When you’re ready, take him from room to room, inviting him into each one just as you did when you first brought him into the house. He’ll learn that this is the new “den” you share together, and that you are still the undisputed pack leader there.
Introducing a New Dog to the Pack
Sometimes I see clients who have tried to solve a behavior problem—say, separation anxiety—by bringing another dog into the home. Despite their best intentions, this can be like dropping a lighted match into a can of gasoline. If you’re dealing with two dogs, at least one of them has to be balanced. If you’re dealing with a multidog household, all of those dogs in the original pack have to be balanced. There simply cannot be a successful introduction between dogs when more than one of them is unbalanced. Even if your “pack” consists of only you and one dog, introducing a new dog into the pack should be a carefully thought out process that takes the dogs’ balance and energy—not to mention your own—into consideration.
Remember Scarlett, my French bulldog and good-luck charm at the Center? She had the unfortunate experience of being an unstable dog dropped into the middle of an unstable pack in her owner’s home. When Scarlett came along, all the dogs that were already in the household were unstable and living a life free of rules, boundaries, and limitations. One dog was petrified of everything, and another one was fear-aggressive and possessive of everything. Even the humans in the household were unbalanced and undisciplined. Scarlett is a very sensitive dog. The minute she arrived, she picked up on this unstable energy, and her reaction was to fight, to attack the negative energy. She was also the youngest, and the most high-energy and athletic dog in the house. She was just not going to put up with being bossed around by other unstable dogs. Unfortunately for her, her owners had already developed attachments to the dogs that were already living there, so those dogs had seniority. Scarlett was just the newcomer, and because she was the new girl, she got blamed for everything. That’s why, when her owners wouldn’t change, I had to get Scarlett out of that situation.
Just as you might when choosing a dog for yourself, choose for your existing dog a dog with compatible energy. Don’t choose a dog with a higher energy level than your dog! Just as in dating, dogs don’t have to like all the same things to get along, but they do need to share the same basic temperament. Most people, when they bring a new dog into a situation, will favor the dog that was already there. They start with favoritism right off the bat because they feel guilty for bringing a “competitor” into their dog’s home. They don’t want the dog to feel “jealous.” We often interpret the very natural period of deciding who’s the more dominant and who’s the more submissive in a pack of animals as “jealousy.” Perhaps dogs do experience something like our emotion of jealousy. But more often, we write the script of that story. The reason behind the “jealousy” is the fact that the new dog has brought a higher level of energy or a competitive energy to the dog that is already comfortable with the environment as it was. Still, many owners will fret about this, thinking, “Now my dog’s upset with me. My dog hates me.” They then project yet more negative energy. When things between the dogs and the owner continue to go downhill, they take their dog to a pet psychic. The psychic will say that the two dogs were ancient rivals who didn’t get along in a past life. Do you think I’m exaggerating? This is a mild version of some of the stories I’ve heard from my clients!
You need to treat both dogs equally—from the calm-assertive position of pack leader. Dogs who are followers in a pack don’t fight one another for the number two and number three positions. They should be concentrating all their energies on following your rules, boundaries, and limitations. If you are truly a solid pack leader, the dogs have no choice but to get along. Two submissive minds will be able to live and play together successfully. Two dominant minds will challenge each other, and make your life miserable.
There are certain situations where I would encourage a little more of a dominant-submissive relationship between a new dog and an old one. I recently shot a story for the second season of Dog Whisperer that was all about bringing in a companion for a dog that was already in the home. The segment is called “Buford’s Blind Date”—Buford being a tough-looking but very calm, stable, but unsocialized boxer. Buford was a prime candidate for getting a companion, but his owner, Bonita, was not a 100 percent committed, 100 percent calm-assertive pack leader. Though a very laid-back lady, she needed a lot of guidance before bringing another boxer into the home, and I knew I couldn’t count on her to provide strong leadership for two powerful dogs. I went with Bonita to Boxer Rescue in Sun Valley, California, to help her choose Buford’s new platonic “bride.” Even though Buford, being a mellow guy, could have gotten along well with a number of different dogs, I had to keep Bonita’s energy and level of commitment in mind in the selection process. She needed a dog that would ease into the household without making a lot of added work for her. We chose Honey, a petite, friendly, but extremely calm-submissive girl with a coat the color of smooth milk chocolate. Once we got Honey home, I allowed Buford to establish dominance immediately. Though he and Honey both are fixed, I allowed him to mount her in a dominance position. I also instructed Bonita not to give any affection to Honey for two weeks. Bonita is a woman who loves dogs, so this was a terribly difficult assignment for her. But it was important that she gave Buford the space to be dominant over the other dog before Bonita began her relationship with her. In essence, I was giving Buford the job that the human usually has—introducing the new dog to the rules of the house. In his balanced state of mind, Buford would probably do a more consistent job of it in those first two weeks than Bonita would have.
When introducing a new dog to a household, make sure your existing dogs all have had plenty of walks and energy-draining exercise before the big meet-up. Make sure they are calm and submissive. Even if you are feeling nervous about your new dog meeting your “baby,” you have to understand that you can’t share that fear, tension, nervousness, or insecurity around dogs. By doing so you would be pretty much be ensuring that their first meeting was a bad experience. If you’re not feeling comfortable with introducing the dogs inside the house, then do what many people do—introduce them on neutral territory. Then, at the end of the day, invite them both into your home together.
Most important, however, you need to know your dog before you think about expanding your household. Make sure your dog isn’t frustrated and doesn’t have fear-aggression or dominance-aggression–related issues. If you have access to other dogs, do some research by watching how your dog interacts with them in various situations. Watch them closely at the dog park or on a dog “playdate.” This will show you what areas of your dog’s behavior you need to work on before you can bring any new friends home for good.
Dogs and the Life Cycle: Aging and Death
When we live with a dog for many years, we inevitably have to watch that dog age. Dogs have a shorter life cycle than we do—an average of 13 years2to our 773 —so unless we adopt them when we are elderly, there’s a likelihood they will go through old age before us. This can be a heartbreaking time for many dog owners and families, but one of the things I believe animals come into our lives to teach us is that aging and death are part of nature, that in living life, we must experience and accept death as merely another phase of nature’s life cycle. Dogs celebrate life, and they’re okay with death. In fact, they are much better with death than we are. We need to look at them as our teachers in this department. Their natural wisdom can help us find comfort when we are facing our own human frailty and death.
If a dog gets sick—say, is diagnosed with cancer—he does not perceive its illness the same way we do. We’ll feel sorry for the dog and flood it with sad, mourning energy every time we look at it, but that energy does nothing but create a negative environment for the dog. If a dog comes back from the vet with a cancer diagnosis, it’s not thinking, “Oh my God, I’ve got only six months to live! I wish I’d gone to China!” Dogs live in the moment, regardless of whether they have cancer or not. Regardless of whether they’re blind or not. Regardless of whether they’re deaf or not. No matter how dire their situation, dogs keep living in the moment every single day. I recently did a seminar for 350 people in Texas. A dog from a local shelter was sitting near me up front. That dog had been diagnosed with cancer recently but you couldn’t imagine a dog that was more downright, utterly happy! Everybody at the seminar was whispering, “That dog has cancer. Oh, poor thing.” But the dog didn’t care about them feeling sorry for her. She was having a wonderful time, just being a balanced, calm-submissive dog in an interesting new environment. One thing we can learn from dogs is how to appreciate and enjoy life in its smallest detail, every single day.
The decision to put a dog down when it is suffering is one of the hardest ones we humans can face. This highly personal decision, in the end, comes down to your own conscience, spiritual beliefs, and your private connection with your dog. One of my clients described making that decision only at the moment when “all the lights went out” in her pet, despite the fact that he was still living and breathing. The best wisdom I can offer you in such a painful situation is that when your dog does finally pass, he has probably lived a fuller life than you have. Your dog has savored every moment on this earth. He is leaving it with no unfinished business, no regrets.
Human beings are the only animals who actively fear death, who actively dread death, obsess over it, and grieve over it—that is, before it happens. Dogs have so much to teach us in this area. A dog lives in the moment, every moment, every day. A dog lives every day to the fullest. Do dogs grieve? Yes. Recent research has proven that many animals grieve their dead, especially family members, mates, or those with whom they’ve bonded deeply. But for most animals, grief is simply a phase they pass through on the way back to balance. In the wild, if a pack leader dies, the pack will spend some time mourning the loss of their leader, and going through the difficult transition to a new pack structure. Then they’ll move on.
As I’ve said before, psychologically, dogs move on much more quickly than humans—that is, if we let them. If one dog in a two-dog household dies, of course the other dog will mourn the one who passed away. But it’s natural for that dog to then move on to his normal level of balance—unless humans prevent him from going there. It’s we who hold him back from what his nature is telling him to do—to move forward, to live life to the fullest. You’d be surprised how many cases I have had where one dog in the family died and the surviving dog suddenly had issues he never had before. The family will call me in and say, “He just can’t get over Winston’s death.” I’ll look around the room. There will be photos of Winston everywhere. They’ll be souvenirs from the funeral, an urn of ashes on the mantel. The curtains will be drawn. The house will be dark and dusty. The dog didn’t arrange the house like this. I’ll ask when Winston passed away and they’ll say, “Six months ago.” Six months! Six months is an eternity to a dog. For a dog to linger in a state of depression for that long isn’t natural. Dogs are more than willing to return to the balance and stability they knew before. In these cases, the human beings were the ones dwelling in a state of grief, unwilling to move on. The dog was merely picking up on the tragic energy and depression emitted by the humans, and was being dragged down by it. These are cases where the humans needed grief counseling in order to stop projecting onto their dog their own unwillingness to move on. They had to first accept and then deal with their own issues.
I also get an inordinate number of cases where a new dog has been brought into a household after the recent death of a dog. The new dog is supposed to be a “substitute” for the dog who’s gone. Many times in these cases, the “substitute” dog was brought in too soon, while the humans (and sometimes the other dogs in the household) were still processing their grief. When you bring an animal into a house full of sadness, you introduce it to an environment that is nothing but soft, weak energy—completely negative energy. There are no strong pack leaders in a home in mourning.
In a recent case of mine, a new Great Dane puppy had taken over the household and was making life miserable for the husband, wife, and the original family dog. The puppy was not a naturally dominant animal, but the moment it walked through the door, it sensed a leadership vacuum. As difficult as it may be, I advise you to wait a little while after your pet dies before you bring in a new one. Wait until you’re ready to open the curtains, let the light in, and laugh again. Then, you’ll be ready once again to be the pack leader, and to provide a healthy, balanced home for the new dog in your life.
Cesar Millan with Melissa Jo Peltier.
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